Dear Mr. Suddwinkle,

Yesterday, I entered your lovely grocery store — as my family has proudly done for four generations — to take advantage of your excellent promotion on ham hocks. As I have told you personally on many occasions, I am delighted with the high quality selections of meat, pork, and fish your butcher carries, and, when you offer a 10% discount to valued customers like me, that’s an offer I cannot and will not turn down.

But I digress. At any rate, I approached your meat counter with nothing but my dignity and my Bible, when I was accosted by an unspeakable, perverted display. I was ashamed to have my Bible in my hands at the very moment. The King James version no less! Had I not been so stunned to see what your new clerk Bobby had done, I would have thought to hide my Bible, lest Jesus too be offended by the sight.

As a woman of standards, morals, and seven local baking championships, I cannot bring myself to describe, in any great detail, what your clerk Bobby had done at the meat counter. I will only say that Bobby had clearly, intentionally, and wantonly arranged my precious ham hocks and other juicy cuts of meat in very suggestive sexual poses. Moreover, your store’s Super Savings flags were strategically and lewdly placed so to suggest even more brazen, unspeakable images. When my eyes locked on to the bright yellow discount tag amongst the organic salmon positioned in such a way that even a common streetwalker would blush, I clutched my Bible, invoked my Lord to cleanse my mind of such utter filth, and promptly left your store.

Now, I am not an unreasonable woman. I understand that young people like Bobby make mistakes, and employers are not to blame for the sins and wickedness of their employees. Nevertheless, in all my years of shopping at your grocery store, I have never, never been so embarrassed, shocked, and offended. In a wonderful place such as Axton Village, I know you will agree with me that there is simply no room for such behavior. As understanding as I try to be, as Jesus would want me to be, I am afraid that, for the time being, I cannot bring myself to enter your store. I’m sorry, it is simply too wicked. But I will promise you that I will pray with all my strength that the wonderful Lord casts out the vile sin that has infected your store. I will also invite my prayer circle to pray for your store. Cecilia, Maggie, and Eileen are mighty prayer warriors!

Thank you for taking the time to consider my experience.

Sincerely, Ms. Betty Lou Blankenship

PS — Please ask your clerk Bobby to deliver some ham hocks to my house Saturday evening, perhaps after he has finished his shift.